Sorry, It Won't Work Out Between Us
by PPP SSC
Summary: A cheesy love rectangle story featuring Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Luann van Houten, and Patty Bouvier. Warning: contains slash duh and some mild violence.


Author's Note: I'm back and I have ELEVEN new ideas back with me, so expect another influx.

Sorry, It Won't Work Out Between Us

He was writing the note at his desk. It was his idea that it would be the best letter he had ever written for _his_ eyes. For his eyes only, the man wrote diligently. Covering a paper he folded it up. Blushing, he walked over to the office, note behind his back. His spectacles fogged up from the overheating of his face. His heart raced like the champion stallion in a derby, and he sweated so much his business suit dampened. But it was time. Instead of sending from a distance, he would give it up close. It had been too long for him to fear rejection. He walked up to his long-loved crush, and pulled out the note.

The man he loved gave him an inquisitive response. "What is that?" he asked in his smooth voice, his nose scrunching in confusion.

Suddenly, the man who loved him froze. His face turned the color of raspberry puree and his knees locked up. He could feel his shins trembling as he fell to the ground, losing the grip with his drenched fingers onto the note. The man who loved him breathed heavily, his heart pounding like a wrecking ball at supersonic speed, as the note slipped out of his hand and over to his crush, standing five foot six above his grounded head. "For you, sir…" he murmured, almost inaudibly.

"Good god! Is it urgent?" the older man asked, pulling the note off of the ground, reading the note, and looking slightly bitter. His slight anger vanished completely, and he was soon totally morose. "I'm sorry…" he said in the most sincere way he could, "But… it won't work out between us. You and I are just too different, Smithers. I mean, I'm older than most women live to, and you… you're not even old enough to qualify for AARP. And there's that thing you have… the 'conscience', right? I don't have that, so…"

"So, Mr. Burns, does that mean you're firing me?" Smithers asked, ashamed he had ever showed Mr. Burns the letter.

"Of course not, Smithers! What kind of man would I be for firing my best employee over something as trivial as love?" Mr. Burns asked, but Smithers didn't think love was trivial. Mr. Burns couldn't possibly know how much it really mattered. He was rejecting Smithers, even with the courtesy of behaving as if he were unhappy.

The note flew out the open window via a slight breeze. Smithers tried to stop it, but tore off the part that said, "Dear Mr. Burns" as the rest flew out the window, after the futile attempts to stop it.

A woman with blue hair glumly walked by. Her husband was such a total dweeb, she couldn't stand it, and so she left him. But when she did that, she had never again found real love. She had affairs from time to time, even saying that they were her boyfriends, but never again had she found someone who truly clicked. And that's when she caught the love note. It was romantically written, and every word sounded sincere. So she knew that this was her man.

"Luann, what's that?" asked the brown haired woman standing next to her, smoking a cigarette.

Luann smiled with her earrings gleaming in the light. "It's a love note," she said. "A love note from a certain Waylon Smithers… whoever that could be."

The brown haired woman laughed, "You mean the guy at Homer Simpson's workspace? Bart says he's totally gay!"

"No way! I always knew that boy was a bad influence on Milhouse…" she answered, "Edna, don't tell me you actually believe him? I mean, he's a fourth-grader. And you're the fourth-grade teacher!"

"I'm just saying; don't get your hopes up…" Edna answered, "And start to worry if you go out on a date and he starts staring at Seymour."

"Why him specifically?" Luann asked.

Edna answered as if this was to be obvious, "Because he's mine, duh!"

Luann said, "There is no way anyone who wrote me this letter is gay…"

Edna rolled her eyes, saying, "And I suppose you expect to believe this letter, without a dear line, was meant to fall out of the sky into your hands, because this person memorized your daily schedule including the exact wind that would land it there."

Luann walked away from Edna. _How could Waylon Smithers be gay? He obviously has a way with women. And this letter is obviously meant for me, _she thought, but she was too busy thinking to notice where she was going and bam! She smacked right into Smithers.

"Oh, excuse me, ma'am…" Smithers said, picking up his briefcase off of the ground. "Oh, dangit," he said as papers flew everywhere. Luann helped him put his paper back in the case, and accidentally touched his hand.

"Heh-heh," she giggled while trying to flirt. "I don't believe we've met. I'm Luann van Houten… well, for the time-being. I really should cleanse myself of that name. And you are…"

"Waylon Smithers," he responded. "Junior," he added, although this part was superfluous because Waylon Smithers Sr. had been dead for over forty years, because he liked to acknowledge his father's existence.

She growled seductively. "Waylon Smithers, eh?" she asked, "You're kinda cute. And you still have a full head of hair. And your nose won't get in the way."

Smithers was positively terrified. "My nose won't get in the way of WHAT, exactly?" he asked. Before he could do anything, Luann's lips were on his. He stepped back out of caution and stumbled. He fell backwards and hurt himself. He got back up and said, "Listen lady… er, Luann, it just won't work out between us. We don't need to get into the details of why it won't but… it won't, okay?" Embarrassed, he ran away, leaving his briefcase behind.

Luann looked dejected as she walked away, sighing to herself, "Edna was right." It had been years since she had felt so unhappy, so she went to Moe's tavern. She sat at the counter and cried.

Moe looked sympathetic and asked, "Hey, now, what're you crying for?"

She responded with her head hung low, "I found a really cute guy but it turns out he's gay…" Moe shuddered when she said 'cute guy', and when she was finished responded.

"I know how it feels to get rejected. Heck, I've gotten rejected more times than most Casanovas have gotten laid. But that doesn't make me cry…"

"It…it doesn't?" Luann asked incredulously.

"Nah," Moe answered, "I'm so defeated that my tear glands have gone numb and I want to kill myself, but… my point is that you shouldn't let it get to that level yet."

Moe whispered with a bit of solemnity, "Now, I'm no expert in this field or nothing, but I think you should talk to a woman about this… that's what women tend to do. People often feel more comfortable talking about their problems to the same sex."

The words 'same sex' made Luann start crying again, but she took his advice anyway. She talked to her friend, Marge Simpson and her sisters.

The sisters stood smoking, when one of them piped up, "If you're so worried about guys you date being gay, why don't you try to date a girl?"

"Because, I'm not gay!" she shouted, with her hands on her hips, obviously offended.

"Well…" the sister responded, "That's too bad…" She looked sad. "It's just not fair. SELMA can have all the loving she wants, but not me…"

"Well," Luann said, realizing the situation, "I'm sorry, but it just won't work out between us."

"Oh come on," she said, "Can't you at least try to kiss me?"

Selma rolled her eyes as her sister tried to make a move on Luann, but Marge looked concerned.

"Patty! Calm down! Control yourself!" Marge said in her slightly higher voice. Luann raced out of the Simpson house and tried to run further and she did. She ran so far that she actually reached the complete other side of town. Stopping behind a pillar to catch her breath, she was scared to see Patty catch her. She thought about how Smithers must have felt when she kissed him. But that didn't matter. Elusive was she, as Patty closed her eyes and by complete accident kissed Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns blushed hotly. He had gotten crushes on Bouviers before. Why should this be any different? Patty looked shocked at the mistake she had made. Mr. Burns, ignoring the presence of Luann, growled while moving his eyebrows up and down sensually at Patty.

Patty responded, "Look, I can't date you. You're too old for me, and I'll just say this outright; I don't date guys."

"I don't either," Mr. Burns responded, "So that must be something we have in common."

Mr. Burns plunged in and kissed Patty. Patty, of course, was completely turned off. Luann was happy to have a distraction. And right behind Mr. Burns was Smithers, his eyes narrowing in envy at the unwilling lesbian getting the attention he had always wanted and deserved.

The sight of him made Luann start crying. "Oh, don't tell me you're into OLD guys, too?" Smithers was incensed.

"It's not wrong to love someone just because they're the same sex and a different age than you!" he shouted out loud.

"Oh, Smithers," said an embarrassed Mr. Burns, "I didn't know you were watching, but see, now I have a girlfriend."

"I am NOT your girlfriend! I love women!" Patty shouted while pushing Mr. Burns away. Smithers was very offended.

"You're trying to force someone into heterosexuality? I thought you were better than that, sir!"

"Well, I wish I WASN'T better than that, because if I could force YOU to be straight, then my life would be happier," Luann answered.

"Don't talk like that!" responded a mad Patty.

"She kissed me first, Smithers!" Mr. Burns said, "Maybe she was trying to force herself into heterosexuality, but it wasn't my doing."

Pretty soon the entire scene turned into a four-way fight. But Mr. Burns was only hitting Luann, Smithers was only hitting Patty, Luann was only hitting Mr. Burns, and Patty was only hitting Smithers so it was really more like two two-way fights. But then Mr. Burns started hitting Smithers, Smithers started hitting Luann, Luann started hitting Patty, and Patty started hitting Mr. Burns. And of course, none of them would hurt the one they wanted.

At the end, Mr. Burns was very badly bruised and had a few broken bones. Smithers and Luann both had broken glasses, Luann and Patty both had tugged-at-hair, Smithers and Patty both had scratches all over their bodies, and all four of them were exhausted. Kirk van Houten was surprised when he saw Luann on the news.

He rushed over to her aid. "Luann… are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she said, smiling at him, "My straight man." The two of them subsequently retried their 'trial un-separation' (and this time they actually paid attention to Milhouse).

Mr. Burns was glum. _Not another failed relationship with a Bouvier,_ he thought to himself. Smithers reluctantly touched his hand, causing him to smile. _Well, _he thought, _opposites attract, right?_

But the saddest one of all was Patty. She thought she could make it work for once, but once again, she was left alone. But then she found a pretty woman who was sad and lost, who had said she had been kicked out of the house by her abusive partner, Maddie. The change from Maddie to Patty just made her day.

And the four never had anymore tension again.


End file.
